Being a Mother of Two: Two Things I Cannot Survive Without
Having two kids is hard. It's amazing, beautiful & fun, but it's definitely hard. There were times when Max was a newborn that I struggled. Breastfeeding was a challenge for us, he didn't sleep through the night until he was 12 weeks old and it was inconsistent for a while after that, and we would have the occasional tough day. For the most part though, it wasn't overwhelmingly hard. I probably cried a little bit, but don't have memories of my emotions consuming me. I knew having a second baby was going to bring more challenges, but until you experience it- you can't really know how hard something is going to be. Boy, can two kids get hard!
While I am pretty confident in myself as a mother, I wondered and worried a little bit about how I would do as a mother of two. One thing I worried about in particular is how my relationship with Max would change. We are together pretty much 24/7 and he had almost 2 full years of my undivided attention every day, so I had no idea how we would both adjust to the change. If I'm being completely honest, this was very, very hard for me right after Micah was born. My parents were spending most of their time taking care of Max and, emotionally, it was very hard for me. I felt inadequate, useless & a little heartbroken that I couldn't do everything for Max AND Micah. Logically, I knew that I needed to take it easy, rest, recover and focus on Micah, but emotionally I wanted to do it all. I wanted to play with Max and give him baths and get him ready for bed and read him books and take him to the playground and teach him new things. I just couldn't do all of those things. Hormones are crazy after giving birth & that definitely added to the many tears I shed, but when you're in it- you just feel it no matter what you tell yourself. During the first weeks of Micah's life, I cried a lot about this even though I was simultaneously loving having both of my babies.
Another challenge that showed itself right away was timing everything. Having a toddler who takes one nap a day, and a newborn who needs to nurse every 2 1/2 to 3 hours and who is still learning how to sleep on her own, makes timing everything and accomplishing anything super, super difficult. It's extremely challenging having little to no time to maintain a clean apartment. I'm not a total neat freak, but I do not like when the apartment is dirty or messy. Something that makes a messy apartment even harder to deal with, is sitting on the couch for about an hour every three hours to nurse while just staring at all the things you should clean or pick up but cannot touch because you're stuck.
If you remember the title of this blog you're reading, you're probably wondering what actually helps me survive, instead of just hearing about all the things that are hard. So here it is... When Micah was about 3 weeks old, I started to better deal with these feelings of failure because I began to learn to give myself two things: grace & a goal.
We are our own toughest critic & I am no exception to that. I always want to be better. I want to do more. I want to clean more & cook more. I want to be a supermom for both my kids. What I've learned in the first month of being a mom of two, is that it's okay to not be able to do everything. It's okay to let my husband take care of bedtime, while I sit on the couch and nurse Micah. It's okay to not give Max my undivided attention 24/7. He's still going to love me and he's going to be okay. I've learned to give myself grace about our changing relationship and focus on the highlights of our days, like when Micah is sleeping and I can read him books, or make him giggle, or eat lunch with him. I might not be able to do as much for him right now, but I've given him an amazing gift who he absolutely loves & adores- his baby sister. Our daily life and our relationship also might not look the same as it did, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. Things are different, and while some things are harder, so many things are amazing and so much better. Max is doing great and is happy and loving Micah so much. He always wants to hold her and kiss her and sometimes when I ask for a kiss, he says, "No, just Micah!" A tiny part of me gets sad because I want him to want to kiss me, but mostly it just makes me happy because he loves his sister and that's the part I choose to focus on. (And I usually do get a kiss at some point!)
Also, it's okay for the house to be a bit messy. It's okay to not get everything done. It's okay to ignore the 32 children's books & 48 hot-wheels all over the floor and just enjoy my children. It's okay to give myself some grace. It's okay for you to give yourself grace too. Life won't always be like this; it is just a season, and a short season at that. Before I know it, I'll be sitting in my clean house and thinking back to this challenging time and yearning for my babies to be little and to need me 24/7.
Coming to this realization has allowed me to enjoy the precious little moments of our day more. A few days ago, the apartment was quite messy and Max spotted some bubbles and was begging me to take him outside to blow them. Instead of worrying about cleaning, I just said "okay," strapped Micah into the Boba & took my little man outside to blow bubbles. Later, when I was telling Kyle about our day, I was so proud of myself for choosing something as simple as blowing bubbles with my two year old over the demands of my to-do list. It didn't matter that the dishes needed to be put away & the laundry needed to be folded because I made my little boy happy and chose joy. Focusing on that positive and giving myself grace about what I didn't do made all the difference in my day. Plus, Max isn't going to remember the house being messy, he's going to remember the feeling of being loved and happy.
The second piece of my survival guide is giving myself a manageable and simple goal every day. I was feeling super overwhelmed every day and cried multiple times about how many things I couldn't do. I was focusing on my failures and letting it overwhelm me. Then, one day I just decided to pick one thing to accomplish. My goals have ranged from super basic to significant. One day my goal was literally to repaint my nails. And you know what happened when I was done? I felt great! I'm not trying to move mountains or cure cancer, I'm just trying to feel like I'm doing something a little more than just getting through each day. Some other goals I've had are cleaning the bathroom, taking Max to the doctor, finishing my pregnancy photo book & finishing this blog. It's amazing how this super simple and easy shift in thinking has changed my days. I honestly feel so much better. Some days I just finish my little goal and some days I complete it and three other things! And then, some days I don't actually complete my goal, but I give myself grace and plan to accomplish it tomorrow. When I don't reach my daily goal, I remind myself about the things I did do that were wins- like making Max giggle, chatting with Micah, blowing bubbles or reading books to my babies.
Every day, all day long, I have to make choices about what is a priority and what can wait and I have to tell myself that whatever choice I make that day- it's going to be okay. I am learning to give myself grace when some days I choose to blow bubbles or take a nap with Max and Micah instead of cleaning up after lunch. I also have to give myself grace on the days that I ask him to play by himself or watch a movie & Micah cries a little longer than usual, so I can clean the bathroom or do the dishes. Everything is going to be okay.
If you're in a similar season of life, I hope reading this helped you feel like you're not alone in feeling what you're feeling and I hope it helped give you a little inspiration for how to survive and enjoy life with two babies. I was just texting with a good friend who has a newborn and a toddler too and we realized we were both feeling the same feelings and struggling with very similar challenges. So, know that you're definitely not alone! It is not easy taking care of two kids, but if you can train yourself to focus on the positive parts and give yourself grace and a goal, you can truly love and enjoy every day! I might not enjoy every single second of every day, but I can say, without a doubt, that I love being a mother of my two babies and wouldn't want to be anywhere else. Max and Micah brighten my life and are my greatest joys. I mean, did you see all those adorable photos of my two babies?!
Just remember, you need grace and a goal.
PS: I also have to mention that I couldn't be surviving without my amazing husband, Kyle! He has given me so much grace as I'm figuring out this mother of two thing! Thank you Kyle!